If it were up to me...

and I could do anything in the world right now, I would sell everything, buy a sailboat and sail away.  For the next 5 years, I would disappear, and other than the letters I send to everyone, nothing would be known of me.  I would go wherever the sea wants me to go.  On my return, I would feel accomplished.  It's my journey of self-discovery.  I would grow a beard, and get an anchor tattoo to show that I sailed across the Atlantic.  I wish I could put everyone on pause until I got back though... or maybe not.  It'll be fun finding out what journey life has put everyone else on for the previous 5 years.  I wouldn't necessarily sail out alone, I wouldn't mind haven't a first mate or a deck hand aboard.  The only way to get on, is if your life is perfect.  No one is allowed if you're trying to escape.  Also, whomever is to come must bring a couple of great board games, and a compass.  We'll definitely need a compass... and some snacks... and a book on how to sail.  Okay!  We'll need a few things, but the journey will be fun.

I've been told by 3 different people in the past week that I'm looking thinner.  One person wanted to know my trick.  I said I throw up after every meal, but the key is to put a mouth guard on to protect your teeth.

I visited kids with cancer the other day.  They were awesome.  This is one reason why I don't feel bad for myself.  No matter what happens to me, things could be worse.  I've known this for a while.  When I was 5, I became friends with my next door neighbor.  She was 4 at the time.  She was one of the first friends I've ever had.  We would hang out often, then get separated due to us thinking that the other had cooties.  Then we would hang out again.  Even though we were neighbors, we went to different schools.  All of a sudden, we grew up.  She was pretty, and I was that nerdy kid next door.  But I made her laugh and we had so much history as neighbors.  It was like it was a movie.  I was 16 and we began to date.  Not for long, as it was a summer fling.  For what it was worth, it was nice.  Just a couple of teenage kids having a fling.  A year and a half goes by, and her family decides to move.  Not long before they were suppose to move, she gets in a car accident dies.  I don't talk about this much, I'm not sure why.  She was my oldest friend, and then disappeared one day.  I went to all her memorials, her funeral, visited her family, and cried only once.  That one time I cried, I viewed it as a weakness.  Sylvia and Melanie attended a service with me, and that was just beyond awesome for them to do.  My best friend and my ex girlfriend were by my side, but I wouldn't confide in them.  I was sad for a moment, but then I would see my neighbors parents and her sister and thought, "don't be sad Thomas, they deserve to be sad."  It was this mentality of other people are allowed to be sad, but not myself that would screw me over for the years to come.  Then my shameful years would come where I would cut myself, not in hopes of dying but just to feel something.  I got over the cutting, but I still don't feel much.  There have been a few moments in my life where I've felt unstoppable, but I can't hold onto those moments, because they escape from me in a blink of an eye.  A few years went by and I met a girl and I let her go easily.  Once again, in my head, I feel undeserving.  And now I'm at a point were I'm on top, and I don't want it.  Even if I lost everything in this world, there's still someone else out there who has it worse, so I won't feel bad myself.  Maybe I should... I don't know the answer.  I sabotage my life constantly due to this feeling of not feeling worthy... but it's nuts, because once the smoke clears, my life is even better.  If you want a new building, you don't just keep adding on to the same shitty older building, because underneath it all, you still have the same shit building.  You destroy the old building and you start over.  I feel this way about life.  I think understand what I'm saying, but I don't think they truly grasp on to what I'm saying.  I'm glad people put up with me and my shit building, and I assure you all, there will be a better building standing there one day.

I saw a raccoon at the lake today.  The song playing when I saw him was "Fake Plastic Trees" by Radiohead.  The raccoon was running sideways trying to keep an eye on me.  There are a few things in my life that make me believe that God has a sense of humor.  One- Platypus... they're pretty ridiculous.  Two- the fact that raccoons have burglar masks.  That's pretty funny, especially since they're always trying to steal stuff from garbage.  My lips are dry so I'm outta here!

selling out? Yes, please.

If you ever get a chance to sell out, I say go for it.  You might only get one chance in your life to do so, so do it.  You've got the rest of your life to stand up for whatever the hell you choose to believe in.  Crap, I just spilled delicious Propel Zero on me.  That's less for me to drink now.  I could drink it all day because not only does it make my taste buds go into a frantic orgy of delight but it also contains zero calories.  Also lucky for me, I have some Bounty towels to soak up what I've spilled.  I won't need the whole role though, as one sheet is more than enough to absorb this huge spill.  No one will be able to tell that I've spilled anything.  But I digress... this country was founded by people willing to sell out and it has been carried on throughout generations.  Image a world where Kurt Cobain didn't sell out and sign to a major label.  There would be no Nirvana.  That means my iPhone, made by Apple, would have 15 less songs on it.  What would I do then with the extra space, fill it up with more great songs that I can find on the immense iTunes catalog?  All I'm saying is, you need to spoil yourself sometime, and selling out is the way to go.  Speaking of spoiling, I think I'm spoiling my taste buds more with a bite into this soft and chewy Betty Crocker brownie... double fudge indeed! 
Also, I made a comment once about fighting child obesity... what I meant to say was let's fight obese children.  Two totally different meanings, my fault.

Encyclopedias... what a joke

I met a man who's Albanian once, actually I only assumed he's Albanian. Truth is, I assume all male strangers are Albanian until I hear otherwise. All female strangers I assume are Swedish. I think I just want to be friends with an Albanian so much, that I just make half the population Albanian. Maybe I've already made friends with one, if not, I still have time. Why do I want to be friends with an Albanian. Because I have tons of questions for them, like where is Albania, what kind of food do you enjoy, what are the winters like in Albania? But mostly, where is Albania? "why don't you look it up Thomas?" Shut up I say, I'm not looking for suggestions, I'm looking for Albanians.

Remember encyclopedias? Do kids know how to use those anymore?

When you love somebody, it's hard to think about anything but to breathe

Have you ever loved someone that you knew you had to let them go... it's like that saying.  I've let loved ones go before and it's left me kinda sad and left hating the saying.  It's different now you know.  I think before I thought it was love, and it was in a degree.  It was the closest to love I think I had ever been.  This time though, I let go and I'm left feeling happy.  Sure there's some sadness behind it, but it's outweighed by happiness.  How can you love something so much, let it go, and be happy?  Because it's genuine this time. You love someone so much that you want what's best them.  You know that they're out there being happy and not restrained by you.  You can only hope that nothing else in this world will hold them back.  They may never come back and that's a scary idea, but if they don't come back, then they must be happy... so that makes you happy.  We've become so selfish that we don't care that they've found happiness.  Be happy for them I say.  If they do return, then congrats.  Remember to never restrain someone if there's greater things out there for them.  Let your happiness be in the fact that the someone else is happy.  And you'd be an idiot to not tell that person everyday how much they mean to you if they ever return.

In other news, I've been doing this thing where I narrate things in my head.  I describe what's happening around me.  Do people do this?  Erica was cooking in the kitchen the other night and I described it all as if someone was going to read my thoughts later.  There was no need to narrate as all I needed to do was look and see what's going on.  She wants me to see a therapist... I think I know what's wrong, but I like who I am right now and don't feel the need for someone to try to change me.  I'm narrating the fact that I'm typing right now in my head.  Writing is my source of therapy right now.

I was offered money for my drawings and paintings.  I was going through my things and realized that I haven't had a real masterpiece since 2003.  That blows... 2003 was the last time I think I fell into a real depression.  I don't want to be one of those people who only does great work since they're in a depression... so I spit in the face of that idea and I begin on what I believe will be one of my greatest works.  I feel zen right now and will see what I can accomplish.

I told someone "I wish Tim Tebow's mom had gone through with that abortion."  They did not find that funny, meanwhile I felt that was the best comment I could have made all week.

With that comment, I'm off to try to become a better person.  Wish me luck.

optimistic depression

I'm in this optimistic depression, which isn't that bad, but I wouldn't want to stay for too long.  It's like you realize that who you are isn't who you wanted to be, but you also realize that there's still time.  You look at your life and think, what have I done.  You realize what you've done and now it's time to get on the right path.  I have found my inspiration again, and it's more important now to not let go of that.  Optimistic:  I have found inspiration.  Depression: thinking about how long I've gone without it.  I feel torn inside, everything's broken... but I'm excited about the rebuilding process.  I'm pretty sure I'm crazy.

Tyler, you're the worst thing that's ever happened to me

One of my favorite lines from a movie is from Fight Club. "Tyler, you're the worst thing that's ever happened to me." Some people don't really think about this line. Not only do I think that this line is the whole underlying point to the movie, but I also think that it's one of the most romantic lines in cinema history (cinistory as I like to call it). Marla was not the type of person to fall in love,but she did. The worst thing that could ever happen to her was in fact, to fall in love. Perhaps the worst thing (but also the best thing) to happen to any of us is to fall in love. Love makes you do crazy things. Love makes you feel out of character. Love makes you vulnerable. Love will turn your world upside down. And at the same time, love makes you feel the complete opposite of those things I've listed. To make someone feel crazy, out of character, vulnerable, and at the same time sane, who you truly are, stronger- that sounds like the worst thing. I can easily replace "you're the worst thing to happen to me" with a more simple "I love you." You know the line that there's a thin line between love and hate- well it's true. I for one hate being in love because it makes me feel like a different Thomas. I'm unfamiliar with this new version of myself. At the same time, I love it. The excitement of it all! So the worst thing that ever happened to me was falling in love... the next worst thing- having that root canal.

Welcome back

I grow tired of Facebook and how they limit the amount of characters I use.  So I'm back with my show.  A lot has gone down in the past few years.  I've broken many hearts, and just as many vases full of pudding.  I don't know why I store pudding in a vase, but I do.  Erica told me I need to write.  I agreed with her, so here I am.  I'm also working on my online comic.  I welcome you all, and anyone from the Miami Heat who may be reading this... I hate your guts and I hope all your loved ones get turned into a human centipede!  Full episode to come...