and I could do anything in the world right now, I would sell everything, buy a sailboat and sail away. For the next 5 years, I would disappear, and other than the letters I send to everyone, nothing would be known of me. I would go wherever the sea wants me to go. On my return, I would feel accomplished. It's my journey of self-discovery. I would grow a beard, and get an anchor tattoo to show that I sailed across the Atlantic. I wish I could put everyone on pause until I got back though... or maybe not. It'll be fun finding out what journey life has put everyone else on for the previous 5 years. I wouldn't necessarily sail out alone, I wouldn't mind haven't a first mate or a deck hand aboard. The only way to get on, is if your life is perfect. No one is allowed if you're trying to escape. Also, whomever is to come must bring a couple of great board games, and a compass. We'll definitely need a compass... and some snacks... and a book on how to sail. Okay! We'll need a few things, but the journey will be fun.
I've been told by 3 different people in the past week that I'm looking thinner. One person wanted to know my trick. I said I throw up after every meal, but the key is to put a mouth guard on to protect your teeth.
I visited kids with cancer the other day. They were awesome. This is one reason why I don't feel bad for myself. No matter what happens to me, things could be worse. I've known this for a while. When I was 5, I became friends with my next door neighbor. She was 4 at the time. She was one of the first friends I've ever had. We would hang out often, then get separated due to us thinking that the other had cooties. Then we would hang out again. Even though we were neighbors, we went to different schools. All of a sudden, we grew up. She was pretty, and I was that nerdy kid next door. But I made her laugh and we had so much history as neighbors. It was like it was a movie. I was 16 and we began to date. Not for long, as it was a summer fling. For what it was worth, it was nice. Just a couple of teenage kids having a fling. A year and a half goes by, and her family decides to move. Not long before they were suppose to move, she gets in a car accident dies. I don't talk about this much, I'm not sure why. She was my oldest friend, and then disappeared one day. I went to all her memorials, her funeral, visited her family, and cried only once. That one time I cried, I viewed it as a weakness. Sylvia and Melanie attended a service with me, and that was just beyond awesome for them to do. My best friend and my ex girlfriend were by my side, but I wouldn't confide in them. I was sad for a moment, but then I would see my neighbors parents and her sister and thought, "don't be sad Thomas, they deserve to be sad." It was this mentality of other people are allowed to be sad, but not myself that would screw me over for the years to come. Then my shameful years would come where I would cut myself, not in hopes of dying but just to feel something. I got over the cutting, but I still don't feel much. There have been a few moments in my life where I've felt unstoppable, but I can't hold onto those moments, because they escape from me in a blink of an eye. A few years went by and I met a girl and I let her go easily. Once again, in my head, I feel undeserving. And now I'm at a point were I'm on top, and I don't want it. Even if I lost everything in this world, there's still someone else out there who has it worse, so I won't feel bad myself. Maybe I should... I don't know the answer. I sabotage my life constantly due to this feeling of not feeling worthy... but it's nuts, because once the smoke clears, my life is even better. If you want a new building, you don't just keep adding on to the same shitty older building, because underneath it all, you still have the same shit building. You destroy the old building and you start over. I feel this way about life. I think understand what I'm saying, but I don't think they truly grasp on to what I'm saying. I'm glad people put up with me and my shit building, and I assure you all, there will be a better building standing there one day.
I saw a raccoon at the lake today. The song playing when I saw him was "Fake Plastic Trees" by Radiohead. The raccoon was running sideways trying to keep an eye on me. There are a few things in my life that make me believe that God has a sense of humor. One- Platypus... they're pretty ridiculous. Two- the fact that raccoons have burglar masks. That's pretty funny, especially since they're always trying to steal stuff from garbage. My lips are dry so I'm outta here!
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