If it were up to me...

and I could do anything in the world right now, I would sell everything, buy a sailboat and sail away.  For the next 5 years, I would disappear, and other than the letters I send to everyone, nothing would be known of me.  I would go wherever the sea wants me to go.  On my return, I would feel accomplished.  It's my journey of self-discovery.  I would grow a beard, and get an anchor tattoo to show that I sailed across the Atlantic.  I wish I could put everyone on pause until I got back though... or maybe not.  It'll be fun finding out what journey life has put everyone else on for the previous 5 years.  I wouldn't necessarily sail out alone, I wouldn't mind haven't a first mate or a deck hand aboard.  The only way to get on, is if your life is perfect.  No one is allowed if you're trying to escape.  Also, whomever is to come must bring a couple of great board games, and a compass.  We'll definitely need a compass... and some snacks... and a book on how to sail.  Okay!  We'll need a few things, but the journey will be fun.

I've been told by 3 different people in the past week that I'm looking thinner.  One person wanted to know my trick.  I said I throw up after every meal, but the key is to put a mouth guard on to protect your teeth.

I visited kids with cancer the other day.  They were awesome.  This is one reason why I don't feel bad for myself.  No matter what happens to me, things could be worse.  I've known this for a while.  When I was 5, I became friends with my next door neighbor.  She was 4 at the time.  She was one of the first friends I've ever had.  We would hang out often, then get separated due to us thinking that the other had cooties.  Then we would hang out again.  Even though we were neighbors, we went to different schools.  All of a sudden, we grew up.  She was pretty, and I was that nerdy kid next door.  But I made her laugh and we had so much history as neighbors.  It was like it was a movie.  I was 16 and we began to date.  Not for long, as it was a summer fling.  For what it was worth, it was nice.  Just a couple of teenage kids having a fling.  A year and a half goes by, and her family decides to move.  Not long before they were suppose to move, she gets in a car accident dies.  I don't talk about this much, I'm not sure why.  She was my oldest friend, and then disappeared one day.  I went to all her memorials, her funeral, visited her family, and cried only once.  That one time I cried, I viewed it as a weakness.  Sylvia and Melanie attended a service with me, and that was just beyond awesome for them to do.  My best friend and my ex girlfriend were by my side, but I wouldn't confide in them.  I was sad for a moment, but then I would see my neighbors parents and her sister and thought, "don't be sad Thomas, they deserve to be sad."  It was this mentality of other people are allowed to be sad, but not myself that would screw me over for the years to come.  Then my shameful years would come where I would cut myself, not in hopes of dying but just to feel something.  I got over the cutting, but I still don't feel much.  There have been a few moments in my life where I've felt unstoppable, but I can't hold onto those moments, because they escape from me in a blink of an eye.  A few years went by and I met a girl and I let her go easily.  Once again, in my head, I feel undeserving.  And now I'm at a point were I'm on top, and I don't want it.  Even if I lost everything in this world, there's still someone else out there who has it worse, so I won't feel bad myself.  Maybe I should... I don't know the answer.  I sabotage my life constantly due to this feeling of not feeling worthy... but it's nuts, because once the smoke clears, my life is even better.  If you want a new building, you don't just keep adding on to the same shitty older building, because underneath it all, you still have the same shit building.  You destroy the old building and you start over.  I feel this way about life.  I think understand what I'm saying, but I don't think they truly grasp on to what I'm saying.  I'm glad people put up with me and my shit building, and I assure you all, there will be a better building standing there one day.

I saw a raccoon at the lake today.  The song playing when I saw him was "Fake Plastic Trees" by Radiohead.  The raccoon was running sideways trying to keep an eye on me.  There are a few things in my life that make me believe that God has a sense of humor.  One- Platypus... they're pretty ridiculous.  Two- the fact that raccoons have burglar masks.  That's pretty funny, especially since they're always trying to steal stuff from garbage.  My lips are dry so I'm outta here!

selling out? Yes, please.

If you ever get a chance to sell out, I say go for it.  You might only get one chance in your life to do so, so do it.  You've got the rest of your life to stand up for whatever the hell you choose to believe in.  Crap, I just spilled delicious Propel Zero on me.  That's less for me to drink now.  I could drink it all day because not only does it make my taste buds go into a frantic orgy of delight but it also contains zero calories.  Also lucky for me, I have some Bounty towels to soak up what I've spilled.  I won't need the whole role though, as one sheet is more than enough to absorb this huge spill.  No one will be able to tell that I've spilled anything.  But I digress... this country was founded by people willing to sell out and it has been carried on throughout generations.  Image a world where Kurt Cobain didn't sell out and sign to a major label.  There would be no Nirvana.  That means my iPhone, made by Apple, would have 15 less songs on it.  What would I do then with the extra space, fill it up with more great songs that I can find on the immense iTunes catalog?  All I'm saying is, you need to spoil yourself sometime, and selling out is the way to go.  Speaking of spoiling, I think I'm spoiling my taste buds more with a bite into this soft and chewy Betty Crocker brownie... double fudge indeed! 
Also, I made a comment once about fighting child obesity... what I meant to say was let's fight obese children.  Two totally different meanings, my fault.

Encyclopedias... what a joke

I met a man who's Albanian once, actually I only assumed he's Albanian. Truth is, I assume all male strangers are Albanian until I hear otherwise. All female strangers I assume are Swedish. I think I just want to be friends with an Albanian so much, that I just make half the population Albanian. Maybe I've already made friends with one, if not, I still have time. Why do I want to be friends with an Albanian. Because I have tons of questions for them, like where is Albania, what kind of food do you enjoy, what are the winters like in Albania? But mostly, where is Albania? "why don't you look it up Thomas?" Shut up I say, I'm not looking for suggestions, I'm looking for Albanians.

Remember encyclopedias? Do kids know how to use those anymore?

When you love somebody, it's hard to think about anything but to breathe

Have you ever loved someone that you knew you had to let them go... it's like that saying.  I've let loved ones go before and it's left me kinda sad and left hating the saying.  It's different now you know.  I think before I thought it was love, and it was in a degree.  It was the closest to love I think I had ever been.  This time though, I let go and I'm left feeling happy.  Sure there's some sadness behind it, but it's outweighed by happiness.  How can you love something so much, let it go, and be happy?  Because it's genuine this time. You love someone so much that you want what's best them.  You know that they're out there being happy and not restrained by you.  You can only hope that nothing else in this world will hold them back.  They may never come back and that's a scary idea, but if they don't come back, then they must be happy... so that makes you happy.  We've become so selfish that we don't care that they've found happiness.  Be happy for them I say.  If they do return, then congrats.  Remember to never restrain someone if there's greater things out there for them.  Let your happiness be in the fact that the someone else is happy.  And you'd be an idiot to not tell that person everyday how much they mean to you if they ever return.

In other news, I've been doing this thing where I narrate things in my head.  I describe what's happening around me.  Do people do this?  Erica was cooking in the kitchen the other night and I described it all as if someone was going to read my thoughts later.  There was no need to narrate as all I needed to do was look and see what's going on.  She wants me to see a therapist... I think I know what's wrong, but I like who I am right now and don't feel the need for someone to try to change me.  I'm narrating the fact that I'm typing right now in my head.  Writing is my source of therapy right now.

I was offered money for my drawings and paintings.  I was going through my things and realized that I haven't had a real masterpiece since 2003.  That blows... 2003 was the last time I think I fell into a real depression.  I don't want to be one of those people who only does great work since they're in a depression... so I spit in the face of that idea and I begin on what I believe will be one of my greatest works.  I feel zen right now and will see what I can accomplish.

I told someone "I wish Tim Tebow's mom had gone through with that abortion."  They did not find that funny, meanwhile I felt that was the best comment I could have made all week.

With that comment, I'm off to try to become a better person.  Wish me luck.

optimistic depression

I'm in this optimistic depression, which isn't that bad, but I wouldn't want to stay for too long.  It's like you realize that who you are isn't who you wanted to be, but you also realize that there's still time.  You look at your life and think, what have I done.  You realize what you've done and now it's time to get on the right path.  I have found my inspiration again, and it's more important now to not let go of that.  Optimistic:  I have found inspiration.  Depression: thinking about how long I've gone without it.  I feel torn inside, everything's broken... but I'm excited about the rebuilding process.  I'm pretty sure I'm crazy.

Tyler, you're the worst thing that's ever happened to me

One of my favorite lines from a movie is from Fight Club. "Tyler, you're the worst thing that's ever happened to me." Some people don't really think about this line. Not only do I think that this line is the whole underlying point to the movie, but I also think that it's one of the most romantic lines in cinema history (cinistory as I like to call it). Marla was not the type of person to fall in love,but she did. The worst thing that could ever happen to her was in fact, to fall in love. Perhaps the worst thing (but also the best thing) to happen to any of us is to fall in love. Love makes you do crazy things. Love makes you feel out of character. Love makes you vulnerable. Love will turn your world upside down. And at the same time, love makes you feel the complete opposite of those things I've listed. To make someone feel crazy, out of character, vulnerable, and at the same time sane, who you truly are, stronger- that sounds like the worst thing. I can easily replace "you're the worst thing to happen to me" with a more simple "I love you." You know the line that there's a thin line between love and hate- well it's true. I for one hate being in love because it makes me feel like a different Thomas. I'm unfamiliar with this new version of myself. At the same time, I love it. The excitement of it all! So the worst thing that ever happened to me was falling in love... the next worst thing- having that root canal.

Welcome back

I grow tired of Facebook and how they limit the amount of characters I use.  So I'm back with my show.  A lot has gone down in the past few years.  I've broken many hearts, and just as many vases full of pudding.  I don't know why I store pudding in a vase, but I do.  Erica told me I need to write.  I agreed with her, so here I am.  I'm also working on my online comic.  I welcome you all, and anyone from the Miami Heat who may be reading this... I hate your guts and I hope all your loved ones get turned into a human centipede!  Full episode to come...

dec 2, 2005

The Origin of Thomas and Erica, aka Thomarica

I remember the first time I saw Erica here at work.  She was doing her homework and David was helping her.  I thought she was really pretty.  Of course, due to my low self esteem from my past, I thought I had no chance.  If there was anyone I could date in the office at the time, it would be her, but I didn't know her, so I was basing everything off of looks.  A couple of months went by, and we never spoke.  Irene started to talk to me because she somewhat liked me, and Little Joe was beginning to like Erica.  As all guys do, I teased Erica all the time and called her lesbian.  Why, I don't know.  Then Joe threw one of his parties.  I talked to Erica a little bit.  A birthday came a few days later and Irene made a cake.  It was delicious... I just felt like I needed to add that in.  Joe, Erica, Irene, and I started to hang out more.  I was trying to hook up Joe with Erica, because Joe deserves a nice girl.  If anyone in my life deserved an awesome (yes, I said it) gril, it would be Joe.  He's perhaps the nicest guy I've ever met.  At the time, I made a promise to myself and the world... to not date anyone for the summer.  It would be the summer of Thomas.  I wanted to hang out with Sylvia and just enjoy life as it was handed to me day to day.  Also, I spent the whole semester somewhat liking these two girls, who I don't think liked me... at least until I made my new pledge.  What is it about girls that when you ignore them, they like you more?!  Eventually, Erica told Joe that she wanted to only be friends with him, and I felt the same way with Irene.  Little did we know that we liked each other.  Joe went back home, and Erica and I would spend up to 6 hours on the phone each night.  We found out that we liked each other, but that put us in a little situation.  We didn't want to hurt our friends.  So we postponed our relationship.  Day after day, David kept asking if we had made out yet, and he tried to scare me by saying Joe was going to shoot me (don't worry, he didn't).  One day as I was leaving to go take a physical, Erica walked with me and kissed me.  Just because she kissed me first, it doesn't make me any less of a man.  Usually, I need to talk to a girl for exactly one year, and then we hook  up, but not this time.  Thank you Axe Body Spray.

may 8, 2006

to the one I love

The greatest part of my day is when I wake up in the morning and I see you lying there.  You open up your eyes and then it hits me like a twenty foot wave... I'm lucky to be the one who sees you wake up.

That is what I would say to my wife, the love of my life, but since I'm not married, this is the route I must go...

The greatest part of my day is when I wake up and go to the bathroom.  I look in the mirror and see myself and think, man, I'm still me.  Nothing happened to my face... I'm so lucky.

oct 10, 2006

Blog, dog, fog, hog, jog, egg nog, clog, log, oysters... damn i lost

when you go and pay for something and you have exactly the right amount of change in your pocket for said purchase... well, no matter what happens on that day, it's a good day.  Only so often will the fates give you this honor.  A blue moon happens every so often, as does this moment.  Anyone with talent can win a title, but only the one who has luck can recieve this prestige.  Thank you coin fate for those rare perfect days.

I have begun my attempt to bring the almighty sweater vest back for some time now.  It's been a struggle to take the image away from mid 90s cholos (if that's how you spell it).  Hopefully this fight will be won, if not in my generation, then perhaps for my children's generation.  Only God knows.

If I had superpowers, I would not want to be a superhero.  Knowing myself, I would probably turn evil.  and that saddens me... just a little bit.

I feel bad for the platypus.  He is several creatures in one.  Not even cool animals.  If it was say, a dolphin and a cheetah, that would be cool.  I would give mad props to that.  But it's a duck and beaver.  Yes, there is potential for it to be cool, but then it got the name of platypus.  You know damn well the rest of the animal kingdom is going around calling them "platypus-sy."  Come on you guys, get off their case.  I wonder if -pus means beaver.  That's a strange coincidence if it doesn't.  Hang in there platypi, someday you will rise, till then, you are in my heart.

The following shows should be brought back:  Doug, Ren and Stimpy, Silver Hawks, The original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Alf (but not in pog form), and Dawson's Creek.  Yes, the creek, deal with it.

Does anyone know where to buy pogs anymore?  I could go for a good game of that right now.  I think I still have mine.  You and I should play, but no use of poison or bombs.  And damn you if you use those slammers that dent the pogs.  What's the point of winning them if you're just going to destroy the prize?

This week crickets have made it on my bad side.  Keep it down you guys, other people live here too.  Also, on my bad side this week:  People with really deep voices that scare me, Chuck Norris who is definately no Bruce Lee, people who don't like me because I'm too lovable (yeah, believe it, it happens), people who don't like me because I'm not lovable enough (take that mom),  people who repeat things, the ice cream man that doesn't stop, people who give me pesos (what am I going to do with a peso... throw it?), people who repeat things, the color lavinder, the dove company, Fructise Shampoo for getting in my eye, my left hand for letting the shampoo get in my eyes (come on, be responsible), and finally, people who repeat things (can't stand it).

Beastie Boys come back and rock the crap out of America.  I watched Blue's Clues the other day... damn that's an easy show to win at.  Atlantic ocean.

Which ocean is the coolest?  In this writer's eyes, shines the Pacific Ocean.  It's the largest of the oceans and contains Hawaii.  It spands from Cali to Vietnam.  The Atlantic does come in a close second, and yes, I did mention it right now, but further thought has brought me back to the Pacific.  There is much intrigue.  As for the other two oceans, they are but a joke to the power of the pacific.  I give the Pacific Ocean 2 kudos for this week, which brings it's total to exactly... 2 kudos.  Congrats.

Next time:  I shall go further into the brain of yours truely and explore the deeper thoughts.  Discussions of Super hero movies, cheese and which one rules them all, the human lung, and whatever I saw on TV.

feb. 17, 2007

Help! I need somebody. Help! Not just anybody!

My biggest fear is that a squirrel will get into my apartment. How would I get her out? How do I know it'll be a her... because the ladies can't keep away. But seriously, would I use a cup to catch it? They are pretty fast, I don't think I could keep up. I do have a box... what I would like to do is attach a string to the box and get a stick, so when the squirrel goes near the box, I would pull the string and catch her in the box. But what would be the next step. I'd be left with a squirrel in an upside down box... well done, I accomplished pissing off a squirrel. The second she would get out of the upside down box, she would go for my jugular. What would you do in the situation, because I don't know. Why do I bring this up... well, I just want to be prepared for anything. God help me if a duck gets in here... I'm never going to open my doors again. Happy Black history month everyone.

Jul 30, 2007

i'm dying...

i just ate a cookie and my tummy (whom i call tommy) hurts. i may be dying, to which i ask whomever reads this.... avenge my death. make nestles toll house suffer as i did. to thou whom gets revenge... i will leave you my marble collection. it is vast and not so much valuable. it is beautiful, just like my eyes. and when you look upon them, remember me for the person i was before the tommy ache. a brave young man with charm oozing out the ears, and a wit that could... outwit... stuff. i love you mom. i love you dad. damn you nestles... damn you for taking away the life of an up and coming star. shine young thomas... shine brighter than the brightest star in the sky. funny, the brightest stars in the sky are the ones that are about to die out.


it was a pretty good cookie though.

Feb. 6, 2008

i shaved my hair off last night and soon i will begin the lemonade detox. It will be a crazy journey, and i will keep track of it all for all you kids out there. It's suppose to last for 10 days, i predict i will last for 4.
i drove down to el paso this past weekend and we played football. it's been 3 days and i'm sore still.
i've been bothered by thoughts: if a poisonous snake bit its tongue, what would happen? cats and dogs can be allergic to people, so can people be allergic to people? People with extra toes... can they run faster or slower than others? People with an extra finger or missing a finger... can they flip off others?
i got the new macbook air and it is awesome.
if i got laser eye surgery, the first person i'd shoot with my laser eyes... ryan seacrest.
LOST is back and is on my awesome list.
for halloween i want to be han solo in carbonite, i just need someone to push the trolley around. i would prefer that person to dress up as boba fett, but we can discuss it further.
i would hate to be stuck in quick sand, maybe it's just me but that would suck.
peace be with you. and also with you.

Mar 7, 2008

i've been getting really sick lately... i'm pretty sure i'm dying. i love you all, except for 3 of you in my friends list. i'll let you guess which ones. if i should happen to survive, i'm coming after you diseases... and this time, it's personal.


UPDATE: June 1, 2011-- I did not die everyone, and I forgot all about going after diseases.  I'm back on it though!

April 21, 2008

hey everyone, it's me, thomas and let me be the first to say welcome to my show bitches.
(play music)
this is the thomas show
it's like eating ice cream and a 3 pound pop rock
one gives the brain freeze, the other an oral shock
this is the thomas show
(music fades out, Thomas runs onto the stage from the helicopter.)

that's right... a helicopter.

howdy blog readers, sorry for the long wait. i know many of you have anticipated a new blog (mike, i'm talking to you). i just returned on my trip home to el paso and it was a great trip. awesome birthday i must say. but before i get into that, let me update you on my life.

i got lasik a couple weeks back and it is awesome. i now have 20/15 vision which only furthers the fact that i'm more than perfect. so eat that society. put some mayo on it, it's delightful. i also got a new tattoo which says imagine. a great song and perhaps my most political tattoo to date. "how can that be more political than your koi fish tattoo" you might ask. well, it just is.

life is like a long movie and just like the movies, life needs an awesome soundtrack. i have spent much of my life trying to figure out the right soundtrack. it's a tough one to figure out. if you ever have the time, try to figure out how to describe your life with 16 of the greatest tracks to describe you and your life voyage. sure anyone can figure out their top 10 songs of all time, but try to tie it into your life. thus i will spend the next week figuring out my life's soundtrack. head's up, it may be a deluxe edition double disk set. available soon on itunes.

now for some random thoughts.
let's say i'm standing on top of the Franklin Mountains, the highest point. how much pee would it take for me to produce to roll down the mountain and reach the very bottom. my answer... at least a gallon.
luke skywalker got a robotic hand after it got chopped off. pretty stupid, i would have asked for a light saber hand. imagine all emperors i would kill with that sucker. answer: 1
i was asked what would i rather have... a penis coming out of my head or no penis at all. i'd take the head-penis. sure urine will come out of my head but currently tons of shit comes out of mouth so no big change in my life i'd say.
i think god's favorite color is blue.
these are my thoughts and i can't unthink them and you can't unread them. deal with it.

it's time to end a debate in my "fight of the week." many people come up to me and ask, "Thomas, in your professional opinion, who would win a battle to the end between the green ranger and the white ranger?" well, let me take you all through the journey. Tommy will shout, "it's morphing time!" both tommy's will morph while one of the greatest songs plays in the background. Both competitors in this matchup of a lifetime have their trusted swords in hand. face to face, white ranger is at an advantage already, as he is older and has learned a little more on his life's journey. he once left only to return hungrier. don't get me wrong, green ranger is very unpredictable, being a shoot and don't ask questions until afterwards type of guy. both will fight with sweat and tears. the white ranger will fall to his knees, and the quickness of the green ranger will take him behind the white. the green ranger jumps up with his sword about to swing down and take out the white for once and for all. but did you forget my friend, the white ranger's sword can talk and see. with not a second to spare, the sword warns our hero, who turns around to block the green ranger, only to knock him down. the green ranger realizes he doesn't stand a chance, it's basically two against one. it's time for him to play that flute and call on the amazing green dragon zord. it arises, and as it does so, the white ranger calls upon the tiger zord. let me pause and say "oh shit. things just got that much more awesome. i can't wait to see who wins." the tiger has speed and lashes out on the dragon. but do you hear that song, the dragon was beckoned to use it's missiles from it's fingers. the tiger is knocked down and how. no more playing, the tiger transforms into it's robotic human form. a few hits here and there, but out comes the equalizer. the dragon uses it's drill tail and sparks fly. the white tiger zord is incapacitated. the white ranger falls from the zord and the green ranger stands above him victorious. emotions run high, and the green ranger refuses to finish off the white ranger, but both know who the true winner is... us, the viewers here's the rundown. HAND TO HAND: green= 6 points white=9
SWORDS: green= 7 white= 9
OUTFIT APPEARANCE: green=6 white=10
INTENSITY: green=10 white=6
ZORDS: green=10 white= 7
OVERALL: green=9 white=6 the green ranger wins in the end.
join me next time as i pit rocksteady and bebop against tokka and rahzar from the ninja turtles against one another in a main event battle royal. also, canada vs. mexico in a war. the answer may surprise you, unless you think canada will win, then you won't be surprised. may the controversy start.

let's talk marriage. Marriage is a great thing. it's better than eating sand in my opinion. but people keep asking me, when are you going to get married. let me answer all those people now. after my band's album goes platinum and we toured through europe. at least a 20 show stop through europe. Your follow up question "you have a band?" not yet, but i will start working on it as soon as i fix the roofing on my house. follow up "you have a house." not yet, but maybe someday. i'll buy that house right after i get married.

juno and lars and the real girl came out on dvd last week. be sure to pick them up. both are great. in other entertainment news, the office is back is just as hilarious as ever and lost starts again this week. be sure to check for times this thursday. maybe you'll see me in a guest appearance on one of them... maybe not. there's only one way to find out and that's by tuning in.

"god only knows where i'd be without you" all of you.
be sure to blog about this blog in your blog and i'll do the same. now it's time for me to do something different. i will give a shout out to someone on my friend's list and not in top friends list. if you reply back within two weeks, guess what. you will be entered into my top friends. a position wanted by many but held by a select few. this week... 3 shout outs. here they are: Linda a., tony, and eddie. keep it real you three. keep it real.

we went to an 80s party on saturday and paul loved it. you guys have not seen paul until you see him in see-through pants. these () represent my hands applauding you paul for wearing that. ()()()()()()()()()()()()

on my plane ride back to denver, i had an empty seat next to me. it was the first time ever and it was awesome. all that space for myself. what a great gift.

here's my bad list for the week: snowmen with beards, kids who pick their noses (so like all of them), AC/DC, Windows (as in computers and not glass... on second thought), windows (as in glass ones... they are hard to clean, my least favorite part of cleaning cars is the windshield. not only that, but when windows are really clean, i walk into them... all of them. you are the rake, and i am sideshow bob.), people who don't understand references to the simpsons.

my good list for the week: you the reader, santa, people who give high fives and then flip side them.

this weekend, i won several medals at the wii sports olympics. it was not only a proud moment for me, but for the folks to produced me. reproduction baby!!! that's how i got here.

serious moment: life moves pretty fast sometimes. it's important to take a break and look around. realize that the things around you were put there for a reason. the friends, the family, the strangers, the birds in the sky... it's all part of something big. the colors around us paint a picture around us, take some time out and look at the painting god made for you.

i love the nba.

Heath Ledger is tragically dead so to have his memory live on, here's my top 5 ledger flicks.
5) The Four Feathers (i'm partial to movies with a feather in it, let alone four feathers)
4) I'm Not There (Bob Dylan is bad ass)
3) A Knight's Tale (so i enjoyed it... a lot.)
2) 10 Things I Hate About You (10 things i hated about this movie... it wasn't long enough)
1) The Dark Knight (look, i'm predicting this movie is going to rock,if i'm wrong, i'll change the list)

i got a job offer in california, too bad I got it good here. but it made me think, if i lived in california, what would my name be? i would need to change it. maybe i would go by Subwoofer Zadakis. i'm going to work on it, but that is a beautiful start.

(helicopter lands and a fella hands me a jet pack) looks like it's the end of my show for today. smell you all later. (thomas flies off with jet pack on. yup, that's how my show would end. Rocketeer style)

May 5, 2008

commitment is a very hard thing for me. when i got my phone, the whole idea of a 2 year contract freaked me out. getting my car scared the shit out of me. what i'm getting at, denver is awesome and was been good to me, but i want to live everywhere. i want to live in london, san diego, toronto, phoenix, and maybe even somewhere that has buildings made of candy (i know you're working on one china). it hit me today as far as wanting to move. it's just that i want to move for no reason. i don't know if anyone else has this mentality but it freaks me out because i should start being an adult. buy a house, settle down, and maybe pick up golf (i prefer frolf (frisbey golf (if you didn't know that, maybe we shouldn't be friends))). commitment is scary, for instance, i told erica last night that we'll make spaghetti tonight. why would i say that? maybe i don't feel like spaghetti anymore (which i totally still feel like eating, but that is besides the point). anyone else play gta4, it's awesome.? welcome to my next show....(play music)

thomas show,
everything's a go
spear's is a hoe
depp was in blow
aiken a homo
i like things that glow
the thomas show-----
(end music)

how has this series not been picked up by nbc or vh1. at least pbs, they are willing to put so much crap on their network (i would like to apologize to pbs, i actually enjoyed and still do, many of their fine programming, such as arthur, wishbone, zoom, but not sesame street... i am not a fan of muppets.) what i enjoyed most about wishbone is that he taught me that i don't need to read, just wait for the right episode of wishbone, and he'll just tell me the story. i almost forgot, ghostwriter. ghostwriter was awesome. i always wanted jamal and lenni to hook up, but they never did. my favorite episode... "who is max mouse." rally T.

so now the controversial topic... canada vs mexico... special referee, america. what is important in this battle is who attacks first. most would say mexico with their fiery temper and "put up with no shit" attitude, but i'd go with canada. why, because no one suspects it. for years canada has been seen as the arctic's bitch or america's hat... but no more. canada strike's first leaving the world in confusion. they send out missiles destroying the beautiful resorts in mexico, leaving them with no tourist sites. The new place for vacationing... juarez (don't drink the water). MEXICO: they lack the technology of canada but they will first outnumber them with soldiers and weapons galore. they will return the fire and destroy canada from the bottom up. corona will flood the street. will america jump into the mix.... no they won't, there is no oil involved. god bless america. mexico would inevitably win the war right away, but they get greedy. far north canada is nothing but ice, but mexico gets greedy and heads up that way. awaiting them, the almighty second calvary of canada. comprised mainly of moose, elk, wolverines, and sea otters. they fight back, and what seems to be a draw, will not. much blood has been shed, and canada won't give up. they vowed not to step in, but seeing their mother-land destroyed, the white-tailed deer step in shaming the black-tailed deer (for centuries, these two rivaled and it always appeared the black-tailed seem to be more courageous... but not this day my friend... not this day). the white tailed deer destroy the rest of mexico's army freeing the millions of enslaved lizards. canada you crazy son of a bitch, you won this one. mexico, learn from this. go to canada... you will lose. let canada come to you. canadians can't survive in the desert for prolonged periods of time. they need hockey, and there ain't no hockey in mexico.

Saturday: i went to a tattoo expo in the early afternoon. it was pretty cool. i met pixie from L A Ink and let me say... erica, do not read the following, just skip to the end of the sentence... she was hot. erica, if you read the end of the sentence, what i meant was that the temperature was high and she was sweating up a storm. (seriously fellas... she was Hot). later in the day, i enjoyed a nice meal at dave and busters. i got the chicken fingers because i'm still an 8 year old. after that, we went to a bar for a birthday celebration. we sat in vip, which is cool, but then i look around. to my surprise we were sitting in the middle of a lesbian bar. i saw things that i never could have imagined seeing with my young eyes. i became a man that night.

Things that rocked this week:
fruit by the foot.
iron man.
that prostitute that i had sex with, then killed in grand theft auto.
honey biscuits.
that song "abc" by the jackson 5
the office
moustaches

Things that do not rock at all this week:
jerks on the road
jerks in the store
jerks all together actually
grease (the fattly, oil matter and the movie)
mtv's the real world hollywood (they really grind my gears)

here's a question for the guys out there. have you ever gotten your junk stuck on your zipper? that shit hurts. that scene in "there's something about mary" still bothers me to this day.

Things I'm ashamed of:
Liking the movie "the notebook" (i didn't cry or anything, it's just a good movie. it was the reason i grew out a beard and learned how to build a house)
cutting the letter z in the back of my head to be more like vanilla ice back in the day.
Owning vanilla ice, m c hammer, and kris kross on cassette tape.
That one time i threw my fecies back at the monkey.
Seeing Rush Hour 2 at the theatre.
Not owning the complete series of dawson's creek on dvd or blu ray.

anyone down for a trip to vegas? i'm ready to go.

Tokka and Rahzar VS Rocksteady and Bebop
Right away, style point awarded to R&B. T&R are naked so that is not accepted in todays standards. Things heat up right away in this fatal four way of foes. R&B bust out with weapons. Unfortunately, their aim is horrible and their ammo runs out. Tokka, the snapping turtle goes on the offense and snaps at rocksteady. he hits the horn and rocksteady escapes scratch free. rocksteady charges at tokka, but tokka escapes into his shell, and is unharmed. rahzar, in the meanwhile runs at bebop. bebop ducks and trips rahzar to the ground. this battle is a fight of speed and the two run in circles after one another. overall, r&b get the point for speed, afterall, tokka is a turtle. t&r however win the point for pure bruit strength. this will be a battle that comes down to the very end. with no ammo left, T&R have the ultimate weapons... their claws. they begin to slash away causing R&B to get torn up. Bebop's nose ring gets caught in the claw and thus ripped out. how is he still standing, i don't know. maybe he just has more heart. what this battle will come down to... which duo is stupider. bebop attempts to hit tokka but misses as tokka once again retreats in his shell, and hits his partner, rocksteady instead. rocksteady falls into rahzar, who becomes outraged by all this. at the same time, rocksteady is upset at bebop and runs after him. rahzar is also running and is behind rocksteady. so picture it. tokka, in his shell... bebop running from rocksteady who is being chased after by rahzar. bebop after losing so much blood becomes lightheaded and trips right in front of tokka's shell. rocksteady trips over bebop onto the shell, but luckily has rough skin and only bounces off of tokka. rahzar can't stop in time, trips over bebop and is stabbed in the heart by the spikes on tokka's shell. he dies. tokka, who i must remind you is only a baby, comes out of his shell and sees his dead friend on his shell. he is torn by all this and pulls a handgun out of his shell. bang!!! tokka falls, for he chooses not to live on without his beloved rahzar. (music plays... it's sarah Mclaughlin's "angel"). R&B embrace. they have failed many times at stopping the Ninja Turtles, but today have succeeded at stopping the child duo of Tokka and Rahzar. Foot soldiers arrive and carry off the winning team. Go Ninja go ninja go.
Winner: Rocksteady and Bebop.

if i had a time machine i would...
go back to when i was in elementary school and take the pudding that came in a can. that was good pudding, none of that plastic crap that we have now-a-days.

Weezer is going on tour this summer... i'm excited about that. also in a related story... christmas is only 7 months away. GO SANTA GO!!!

that is all the time i have for today. remember everyone, i'm not dead yet, but when that day comes, i want sarah mcluaghlin to sing at my funeral.

one more thing i'm ashamed of:
wanting sarah mclaughlin to sing at my funeral. (play music)

that was the thomas show
time for him to go
check out my big toe
tom cruise is his foe
opposite of high is low
that was the thomas show

(then i teleport out of there)

Folger's in my cup?

it snowed the other day. what the shit denver, don't you realize it's may.

if the best part of waking up is folgers in your cup, then you have a really shitty life. i would not want to meet the person who's greatest highlight is folgers in the morning. hey, ever heard of sex. now that's something to wake up to, the best part of waking up is sex in your cup. that sounds disgusting.

patent pending---- america seems to love two of everything in their bathroom. two shower heads, two sinks... chew on this one america... two toilets facing each other. let's make bathroom time intimate again. it's a great place to have an argument. this idea stems from my toilet in the shower idea (again, patent pending)

why haven't old people given up already?